1:00am conversation-this is why I love my husband so much

Me- “Shit, I’m wearing a skirt tomorrow, that means I have to shave in the morning.”

*silent pause*

Me-“What are you thinking about?”

Bear- “You in a skirt.”

*longer pause*

Me- “What are you thinking about now?”

Bear- “I can’t explain it, I don’t even think it’s a cohesive thought.

Me- “Does it involve impending doom?”

Bear- “No, it’s kind of like an improved snap.”

Me- “You mean like…” *snaps fingers*

Bear- “No, like a snap on your jeans or shirt or something.”

Me- “How is it improved?”

Bear- “See, I don’t know. Its like…you know in Back to the Future when the professor slips and bumps his head on the toilet and he sees the flux capacitor?”

Me- “Uh…yeah.”

Bear- “Yeah, well, I see things like that in my head all the time. I don’t know what they do but…I see shit like that.

*Longest pause yet*

Me- “This is so going in my blog.”

Bear- “Shhh…I’m working on blueprints for my new, improved snap.”

fucking jiminy fucking cricket

This morning on my drive to work, I noticed a small cricket on the dash of my car. I asked him if he would like to be my conscience; he could live on my shoulder and we would name him Jiminy like in Pinocchio. We would be the best of friends, my conscience and me.

Well, apparently the thought of being my conscience made poor Jiminy suicidal. He lunged himself, kamikaze style, straight for my head. After ramming his little body at my forehead a few times he moved on to other targets: the windshield, my hair, the wheel, my hair, the window, my hair…you get the point. Yeah, try to keep your car on the road and catch a suicidal cricket at the same time. After a while Jiminy decided he was going about this whole thing all wrong and fell to the ground, where he jumped onto my shoe and proceeded to climb up my leg. God only know what he had planned, but it was the last fucking straw. After getting the car off the shoulder road, I reached down, thumped him off my leg and squashed him like the bug he was. Jiminy is no more.

Ah well, fuck’em. I don’t need a conscience anyway. Right?

tagged again

Songs I am fully digging now:

*The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secrets
*System of a Down – B.Y.O.B.
*Seether – Remedy
*Weezer – Beverly Hills
*Lifehouse – You and Me
*The Killers – All These Things I’ve Done
*Bloodhound Gang – Foxtrot Uniform Charlie kilo
*CKY – Escape from Hellview
*Pink – God is a DJ
*Staind – Right Here
*Garbage – Bleed Like Me
(I could go on for hours…)

...7 Answers to 7 Questions...

7 things I plan to do before I die:

*Learn how to make my own soap, bath products etc…
*Have children
*Build my dream house with my husband
*Own my own bookstore
*Visit Ireland
*Create a device that helps me remember where I put the keys, remote etc…
*Dye my hair bright red

7 things I can do:

*Listen to others
*Find humor in any situation
*Be openminded
*Be a kick ass big sister
*Be a serious bitch without realizing it
*Drive well (despite what my husband may say)
*I’m told I give a mean blowjob

7 things I cannot do:

*Sing
*Hide my emotions
*Play any instrument besides ‘mary had a little lamb’ on the recorder
*Wait patiently
*Listen to music at a low volume
*Break this blog-reading addiction
*Sit still (I constantly tap my fingers, twirl my hair, pop my knuckles…)

7 things that attract me to another person:

*Smile
*Wit
*Sarcasm (yes, I find that a good trait)
*eyes
*Intelligence
*The uncanny ability to memorize and quote lines from any movie - Bear does this all the time.
*Lead singers - If you look like the lead singer for a rock band I will always give you a second look; I can’t help myself.

7 things I say most often:

*Fuck a bunch of that shit
*uh-huh (in a very sarcastic tone.)
*dude – A 90’s habit I can’t break
*Motherfucker (said like most people say shit)
*Wait, hold up, soooo…
*Yeah…well, you have fun with that
*Holy Shit, Dude – like Stan in South Park

7 Celebrity crushes:

*Ryan Reynolds
*Johnny Knoxville
*Vince Vaughn
*Jonathan Davis
*Maggie Gyllenhaal
*Sarah Rue
*The Rock

7 bloggers I am tagging:

The Bear
Big D
Billabong
The Tooth Fairy
Santa Clause
Dr. Frank-N-Furter
The Easter Bunny
(they all have blogs, right?)

just so you know...

I would rather be chained naked and honey-smeared to a hill of fire ants than be at work today.


That is all.

guilty pleasure

Everybody has at least one guilty pleasure. You know, something that you love but would hate for other people to know about. Well, I have decided to spill the beans, but I want something in return. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

It can be anything you are embarrassed to tell anyone about. A song or band you listen to, a taboo sexual act, a movie or television show, someone you are attracted to for some strange reason…

There are actually a lot of things I am into that I don’t bring up in normal conversation, but seeing as this is my blog, I guess I can talk about whatever the fuck I want to, right? I like to be spanked (in a loving way, of course) and I love reading erotic fiction but I am actually not that embarrassed to admit those things…

I am, however, embarrassed to admit that I think Fred Durst is incredibly sexy and I love all of Limp Bizkit’s music. I have been a fan since ‘Three dollar bill y’all’ and have all of their albums. No matter how much bad press they get or how many goofy songs they come out with, I still love them.

So tell me, what’s your guilty pleasure? And BTW, Bear, I can’t wait to see yours!

dreaming...

I had a dream last night that I wanted to help earn money to donate to Hurricane Katrina relief efforts but was not sure how to get people involved. Eventually I decided to have a sexathon. Yeah, you read that right; I decided to have a sexathon. You know, A lot like a walkathon or Jump Rope for Heart. Everyone who decided to participate would go around asking people to donate a certain amount of money for each time they had sex. Sadly, I woke up before I could put my plan into action.

You see how fucked up my dreams are?


The scary part is, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea…