why

Why is my stapler always in my way until I need it, then it takes 10 minutes of digging to find it?

Why did meatloaf sing an eleven-minute song about how he would do anything for love when he won’t do that?

Why does NO ONE offer DSL for where I live? (read: Why do I live in the fucking boonies?)

Why is water not offered with caffeine?

Why does this turn me on?

Why does the hand soap at work smell so fucking bad?

Why is waterproof mascara not tear proof?

Why do we call them goldfish when they come in many different colors?

Why do dentists WANT to be dentists?

Can you think of any 'whys'?

cool mom

Holy shit...I don't even know what to think about this.

My favorite part:

“she was never popular with classmates in high school and now began ‘feeling like one of the group.”

Wait, hold up, sooo...letting all of your sons horny teenage friends gang bang you makes you part of the group? Apparently I was in the wrong fucking group. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for parties, recreational drug use and MILF's but...holy shit, dude!

I might have actually had something better to post, but this was to funny to pass up.

weddings and memories

Went to a wedding with my husband this weekend. As I am sure it does with most married women it made me think of my own wedding. My wedding was…strange to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, but it was not your normal wedding. First off, the Bear and I did not plan it. After I graduated, the Bear and I moved in together and we were perfectly happy with this arrangement for a year before my family started to butt in. I have two moms and two dads. (Divorce does that sometimes.) My mothers got together and decided that it was time for their baby girl to get married. They practically set the date, made the arrangements and then informed me to show up at the church on June 2nd, wearing white. The Bear and I figured, ‘what the hell, we have nothing to loose.’

I called three girls I went to high school with and told them they had to be my bridesmaids and bought a white dress. That is ALL I did, the rest was planned out by my family. When the Bear and I got to the church we noticed that my family had really come through for my moms and us. I have a VERY large family, lots of aunts and cousins and such. One aunt bought the cakes, another very talented aunt made the bouquets, my grandmother did my hair, a cousin took pictures, etc…

Even though everything was taken fare of, I was so fucking nervous. When the music started and we started walking down the isle I remember telling both my fathers it was a good thing there was 2 of them to hold me up because I did not think I could make it on my own. I still have the picture of them laughing at me as we walk down the isle. When I reached the front and took the Bears hand, I started crying. For the rest of the wedding I cried so much I could barely get the words out. When the pastor said ‘you may kiss your bride’, the Bear looked at me and smiled, my knees went weak. When he kissed me, my knees gave out on me. I was no longer crying but laughing over how stupid and nervous I had been 2 minutes ago.

We stayed at the reception long enough to open presents and thank everyone for all they had done to help us; then we left for our honeymoon. We stayed in a beautiful cabin in the Ozark Mountains and had an absolutely wonderful time. There is actually not a lot to do in Eureka Springs at night so the Bear and I did what people always do on their honeymoon. ;) A word of advice though: when getting it on in the Jacuzzi, never, ever, EVER, put bubble bath in the tub and then turn the jets on. You will take a bubble bath for the rest of the week whether you want it or not. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, we had a wonderful time, it was so great in fact that I am now looking up places to stay so the Bear and I can go back to Eureka Springs sometime this autumn. Seriously looking forward to getting some time off from Fantasy Disco Ford, October can’t come quickly enough.

porn star

Was listening to the radio on the way to work. They were reading a poll stating that something like only 28% of Americans can name a porn star. This seems like a very small amount of people to me; or maybe I’m just a porn freak! I could honestly think of seven off the top of my head. So, tell me, am I just strange or are there others like me? How many porn stars can you name? (without searching the internet, of course)

...this is a rant...

Raining cats and dogs today here in my little part ‘o the world. Apparently there was a really bad accident on the highway right outside Fantasy Disco Ford caused by the rain. I just don’t get what it is about people thinking they can drive like a maniac in the rain and not get hurt. So many people don’t think about how stupid it is to drive 85mph while swerving in and out of traffic in a rainstorm. Or, even worse, they turn on their cruise control, sit back and relax without a care in the world.

So tell me sir, what are you going to do when your car hits a huge puddle of water at 80mph and you lose control? Is your reaction time really going to be good enough to save your life? I mean, honestly, what were you thinking? Where was the part of your brain that is supposed to click on in situations like that and say “hey, you stupid bitch, slow the fuck down and pay attention to what is going on around you.” You know, like the torrential fucking downpour or the truck hydroplaning in the lane next to you.

Nothing against driving fast and having fun but isn’t your life worth it; worth being a little more cautious in hazardous situations?

Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I feel much better.

answers for kate

Ok, I am taking Grend31's advise and posting all my answers on my blog in the comment section.

tagged for the first time

The results of my recent tagging by Kate...

What I was doing 10 years ago

Ten years ago around this time I was soon to be celebrating my 13th birthday. My father threw a large party at his house in Missouri. Because I lived in Texas and only visited him during the summer months I did not know most of the people at the party. But I got to know KC very well in that one day. I was first introduced to him about two weeks before the party but because so much was going on at the time and because of my shyness we did not really talk to one another. That all changed at the birthday party. We were getting out of the pool to eat dinner when KC asked me how old I was. He acted amazed when I replied that I was 13. (I was VERY developed for my age and didn’t learn to lie and tell people I was older until the next year.) I asked him if that was a bad thing and he said he didn’t know yet. A couple hours later I was in the kitchen getting a drink out of the fridge and listening to music on my walk-man when KC came up behind me and asked what I was listening to. I was so naive and shy that when he leaned up against me so he could ‘hear the music better’ I did not realize he was trying to cop a feel. In fact, I did not realize he was into me until he made up some excuse about forgetting his cap outside and being afraid of going out in the dark by himself. When we got outside where no one could see us I leaned against the wall of the house while he pretended to look for his cap. After a minute he came to stand in front of me and told me his cap must be inside after all. As he leaned in closer to me, my heart started to beat rapidly; I finally realized what was going on. He kissed me, his tongue barely brushing mine when his cousin walked out the back door to say he had found the elusive cap in the kitchen, cousin stood there watching us until we went back in the house. That was my first kiss.

What I was doing 5 years ago

At this time five years ago I had just finished my senior year of high school. Exactly two days after I graduated I moved in with The Bear. The Bear is now my husband but at the time we were just dating. We had been seeing each other for almost a year when he received a great job offer in a town three hours away from me. We were separated for one very long month before I graduated and was able to move. After about two weeks apart I went to visit him at what was soon to be out first home together. The first night of our visit we went out to eat and then he showed me around town. He took me to a beautiful river to feed the ducks and walk around; we walked onto a bridge that crossed the river. When we reached the middle of the bridge he stopped me and informed me he no longer wanted me to be his girlfriend. He had had the last two weeks away from me to think things over and decided that he wanted me…to be his wife. We have been married for 4 years as of June 2nd. Turns out that was the best ‘yes’ of my live. I still think about it every time I cross that river.


What I was doing 1 year ago

One year ago I became a full-fledged adult (responsibilities/bills and all). The Bear and I moved out of our small apartment and into a 3bedroom/2bathroom house. We both had nice new vehicles and brand spanking new furniture.

All of which we are still paying for.

What I was doing yesterday

Yesterday I was apparently soaking my cell phone in the tub. I have got to start paying more attention to where I put that thing. I panicked this morning about it not working but Kate was able to calm me down and help me order a new battery on e-bay. Thank God for e-bay and Kate.

5 snacks I enjoy

ice cream
Pickles
Doritos
Cantaloupe
Ramen-Not really a snack but my absolute favorite food ever.

5 songs I know all the words to

Clown-KoRn
Got You Where I Want You-The Flys
Layla-Eric Clapton
Pink-Aerosmith
Regulators-Warren G

5 things I would do with $100 million

The question is what I would NOT do if I had $100 million. I would never work again…
Really I would…
Buy a plane and learn how to pilot it
Buy a gigantic hunting/game ranch for The Bear and Big D
Make sure my family never wanted for anything ever again
Open a chain of bookstores that sell only erotic literature or…
Give it all away and become a carny

5 locations I would like to run away to

Ireland
Disney World
New Orleans
Alaska
Ozark Mountains

5 bad habits I have

Nail Biting
Hair Twirling
Cursing
Impulsive shopping
Listening to incredibly loud and annoying music

5 things I like doing

Nail Biting
Hair Twirling
Cursing
Impulsive shopping
Listening to incredibly loud and annoying music
(I happen to enjoy my ‘bad habits’ thank you very much.)

5 things I would never wear

Rhinestone jean jacket
Tube top
Spandex biker shorts
Tommy Hilfiger
Gaudy gold jewelry

5 TV shows I like

The Shield
Gilmore Girls
Queer as Folk
24
Monster House


5 biggest joys of the moment

Talking on the phone with Billabong (my crazy-ass brother)
Anticipating all the pictures I will take with my new camera
Two days until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Google-Always a joy no matter what moment
Buying tickets to the zoo and Sea World for when my family comes down later this month. :P

5 favorite toys

My Mexican Train dominoes set
Camera (when I get it)
Mr. Buzzy
My fish-I can watch them swim and play all day long
My Blockbuster card-better than a Gold Card.


I tag no one because tagging is mean and there is no one left to tag.

sir, you made my week

This morning on my way to work (45 minutes late) my car started sputtering and begging for gas. Deciding to give the whiny bitch what she wants, I pulled into HEB to fill-‘er-up. As I was finishing the transaction and turning around to get back into my car, I noticed a guy waving at me. I smiled politely and waved back, all the while thinking, “wtf…do I know him?” I’m pulling out of the parking lot when I notice him motioning me to pull up next to where he is standing.

Now, if curiosity killed the cat then I would be one dead pussy. I absolutely had to know what he wanted, but figuring I probably left the gas cap off or something stupid like that, I drove up next to him and rolled down my window. The attractive, unknown man introduced himself as Felipe and asked my name, he then told me he was sorry to bother me but he wanted to tell me I have the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. (Good line)

Maybe it was wrong of me to let him go on about how pretty he thought I was before I informed him I was married, but I honestly don’t care. Everyone needs a good ego boost every now and then, right?

new look

So I was getting really tired of the solid black background from the other blog. My eyes were beginning to bleed from the strain of looking at the bright white lettering on black background, so I did what any normal person would do; I killed my blog. Makes sense, right? Learning basic HTML so I could just change the old one would have taken way to much time (not to mention effort). This nice calm blue is much better, and I love all the pretty bubbles. Yeah, you guessed it...easily amused. I have been thinking a lot lately about what should be posted in here and have a few ideas, but once again, way too much effort. I am the laziest person I know…pathetic. Anyway, I am sure something noteworthy will come out of this blog; Eventually.

conversations with crackheads

So, I work ten hours on Saturdays. As part of my job I take all the incoming sales calls for the day. I just had the funniest call ever. It was even better than the time I spoke with the (mental patient) Prince of Egypt:

Me: Sales, this is Jiffinner, how can I help you?
Crackhead: Hi, Jiffinner, how are you?
Me: Pretty good, how are you?
Crackhead: Great
Me: So…what can I help you with?
Crackhead: Wanna have phone sex?
Me: What?
Crackhead: Phone sex, do you want to have it?
Me: Um…no, not really.
Crackhead: ok, let me talk to your manager.
Me: Ok…(and under my breath) but he won’t have phone sex with you either.

What makes it really funny is that my manager told me later that Crackhead is his brother. Even better….he thought he was talking to Kate!

Crazy Frog

About a month ago I was checking my e-mail at home and came across a pop-up ad for ringtones. It makes this wild gibberish noise when you run your mouse across it. It was the coolest thing I have ever heard, and I of course wanted to buy it for my phone, but alas, it was not available for Sprint customers.

It was just announced over the radio as being the biggest ringtone ever in England, like, everyone over there apparently has this ringtone. It was so popular in fact that they remixed it with the Axle F song from Beverley Hills Cop and it is now the #1 SINGLE in England. Wow

Anyways, check it out... http://www.axelfrog.com/

I can't deny it...

Sloth 100% Wrath 69% Lust 69% Gluttony 19% Greed 19% Pride 19% Envy 6% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

Question of the day...

Would you trust a pregnancy test bought at a dollar store? Honestly? Kate and I had to go to the Dollar Tree yesterday to look for flowerpots. As we are looking around at all the cheap sparklys (pretty sure I just made that word up) to be found in a dollar store, I run across none other than…A Dollar Pregnancy Test! How many dollar pregnancy tests do they sell each year, I mean, honestly, what kind of crazy ass crackwhore would trust that thing? Especially when she could just save her fucking dollar and go to Planned Parenthood for free? We live in a sad strange little world people.

That Bitch

I’ve decided that I hate Kate (and rhyming for that matter.) So, I might have mentioned what a ‘donkey punch’ is yesterday, but how was I to know that it would “fuck with [her] morals?” Then I get to work today and she decides to one up me on gross sexual lingo.

Kate proceeds to explain to me the definition of a ‘Swirly’. I am scarred for life. Its not possible to explain what it is without cringing; I keep getting this mental picture of body fluids and straws and…yuckiness. I am a very open minded person, (especially sexually) but I draw the line at ‘Swirly’. Actually, I drew the line at snowballing. Swirly is a special kind of Fucked up.

And if you’ve ever tried it…shame on you.

Dude looks like a lady

My dad called me awhile back to tell me that he had just ran into a cross dresser while out shopping with my mom. The guy was 6'3" and was wearing an ankle length flowing light blue skirt, a floral print blouse and a large floppy sun hat with flowers in it...and Nike tennis shoes.

Dad's response to all this?
"You know, he could have at least had the decency to wear high heels."

Yeah...my dad kicks ass!

I just wanna post a comment

I only made this blog so I could comment on a friends blog...I know...A lot of shit to go through just to post a comment when we work right next to each other for nine hours a day. Apparently just stating my opinion is no longer good enough, I now have to type it out and post it for the world to see. *grin*

Who knows, eventually I may actually write in here.

About two hours

That is the amount of sleep I am running on today. It's Saturday, so I am at work for 10 hours all by myself. Bossman will be here in a little while but he is not as entertaining or easy to make fun of as Kate. Anyway, he will probably just hide in his office and sleep all day. Luckily, I brought my computer to work with me so I can download music to keep me busy. I also brought two Nora Roberts books and I will probably do some blog hoppin' and paint my fingernails. Also, there is always the Johnny Depp movie I keep stowed away in my desk for times such as these. And, if I get really desperate, I can always work; but who actually works at work?

Is there a phobia for boredom and if so what is the medical term?

stuck in my head

I want to fuck you like an animal

I want to feel you from the inside

I want to fuck you like an animal

my whole existence is flawed

you get me closer to god...

Now if I can keep from singing it out loud in front of my boss everything will be ok. Wish me luck.