your right dude, she’s fucking hot

The Bear – “So, I had a dream last night that I was having sex with Jessica Alba.”

Jiffinner – “Oh, really? Was she any good?”

The Bear – “Fucking great. Just so you know, she’s moved to the top of my list.”

But, honestly people…



Who could blame him?

tagged by kate again

Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You are tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours."


#1 I twirl my hair all the fucking time. Even if I put my hair in a ponytail or pigtails I will pull a chunk loose to play with. If I am especially nervous about something or extremely bored I will actually twirl two strands of hair, one in each hand. Yeah, this apparently drives others around me crazy. Some people will actually hold my hand to get me to stop.

#2 I carry a book in my purse AT ALL TIMES. I am always reading a book and even if I’m just running up to the closest convenience store to buy a gallon of milk I will still put my book in my purse before I leave the house. You never know when you might need it.

#3 I snap my gum. Repeatedly. I am well aware that other people can’t stand this. Once, on a road trip, my stepmother told me that if I didn’t stop snapping my gum she was going to come over the seat and take it away from me. I found out five minutes later that she was not joking.

#4 Much like the gum snapping, I turn into a three-year-old with A.D.D. when I get my hands on bubble wrap. I Love that shit.

#5 This one might be a medical condition…I count things. When I am walking up or down stairs, I count them. When I am walking on sidewalk, I count the cracks. When I am eating M&M’s, I count them. But it gets worse…everything has to be even. If I eat a piece of popcorn, I make sure that my next bite is equal in size and has the same amount of butter; then I chew it on the opposite side of my mouth as the last piece, ad nauseam.

And since I had to go through the hell of thinking about my five weirdest habits, I’m going to pass the torture on to a few others. (Only if you want to of course) :)

Sunney
Red Hot Sexy Papa
Julie

The Bear

Mackeydoodle

jump around

Pack it up, pack it in

Let me begin

I came to win, Battle me that's a sin…

Jump Around – House of Pain

Note to self: Just because the song tells you to jump around does not mean you should do it while applying mascara. Ouch.

On another note…if you could have one celebrity for Christmas, whom would you pick?

My Pick?

Jonathan Davis

2:30a.m. Sunday morning – Passed out due to exhaustion caused by the KoRn concert…

…until my cell phone rings, its my brother.

(note-if I get a call in the middle of the night like this, someone better be bleeding or dead, preferably dead and bleeding.)

Me – In a sleepy whisper “dude”

Billabong – Laughing and talking…but not to me. (I can hear loud music in the background.)

Me – “dude, what the fuck? Why are you calling me?”

Billabong – Still talking and laughing, hangs up.

Me – “Fuck!”


...10:30a.m. Sunday morning – Payback…


Billabong – In a sleepy whisper “hello?”

Me – “Why did you call me at 2:30 in the morning?”

Billabong – “I did?”

Me – “Yep.”

Billabong – “Shit, sorry.”

Me – “Long night?”

Billabong – “yeah.”

Me – “Where are you?”

…5 second pause…

Billabong – in a whisper “I don’t know.”


Ha! That’s what you get for calling me in the middle of the night bitch.

could not post this sooner for fear of jinxing myself.

For an update on what has been going on in my life check here.

I am also going to another concert tonight: Twisted Kissmas. I am so fucking excited I can hardly breathe. I guess I could tell you why I am so jazzed about this particular concert.

In a word…KoRn. KoRn is playing at Twisted Kissmas. OhMyGod!! OhMyGod!! OhMyGod!! OhMyGod!! OhMyGod!!HolyFuckingShit!!OhMyGod!!!!

*Clears throat*

Ok, Now that I’m finished freaking out and have brought my maturity level back to normal, I will explain…KoRn has been my favorite band for years. (Just ask Kate or The Bear, they can attest to this.) I discovered KoRn my Sophomore year in high school, much to my parents horror. (They are still trying to figure out what the fuck happened to their New Kids On The Block Loving Daughter.) It’s all been down hill from there. You see, much like anti-depressants have the opposite effect on me and actually make me more depressed*; KoRn’s music should, by all rights, make you want to kill yourself but, in fact, it actually makes me happy. Listening to KoRn, you realize one of two things, depending on your mood…

1. I’m not alone, there really are people out there who have gone through or are going through the same troubles I have. I’ll be ok. Or…
2. Jee-zus, what the fuck am I complaining about? My life is perfect compared to some. It’s stupid and selfish and petty to bitch about my life not being perfect when it could be so much worse. I’ll be ok.

Normally number 2 for me. On a lighter note, another reason I listen to Korn…In my opinion…their. music. kicks. monster. ass. Anyway, Big D bought The Bear and I tickets to this concert for Christmas, so I have him to thank that I am even able to go at all. I expect this to be the best night of my life.



*Another Sophomore event involving St. John’s Wart and a happy-go-lucky-step-mother who did not get teenage broodiness. But that’s another post…

Judy Blume…Not for little kids anymore.

I just finished reading a kick-ass book I want to recommend to all women.

‘Wifey” by Judy Blume.

I know everyone remembers Judy Blume, the same chic who wrote all those books we read and loved in grade school (Blubber, Superfudge) and Jr. High (Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret and Forever). I remember my mom making me read ‘Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret’ right after I got my period. It was a wonderful book that I hope I can read to a daughter of my own someday. No time too soon mind you…

Anyway, ‘Wifey’ is about a woman who is no longer happy in her marriage. She is bored with her sex life and tired of her control freak husband. (An insane husband who tells her she should brown the chicken before baking it to make it look more appetizing.) I know, I know, it sounds all sad and depressing but in reality it’s very humorous.

The book starts off with Wifey waking up to the sound of a motorcycle, she looks out the window to see a man standing in her lawn, naked and masturbating. The story just gets better from there...Without giving anything too important away, just incase someone actually wants to read it…here’s a small part (my favorite part) from the book.

Background: Wifey gets a rash ‘down there’ every time she has sex with her husband, she’s at her gynecologist’s (/brother-in-law’s) office getting it checked out. She is contemplating what she will say to her doctor/brother-in-law when he asks about her sex life…

“My sex life? Oh, you mean my sex life. Yes. Well. Let’s see. Ummm, if you want to judge it strictly on the basis of orgasms it’s fine. Terrific. That is, I masturbate like crazy, Gordon. You wouldn’t believe how I masturbate. God, I’m always at it. Driving here, for instance, this morning…driving, get that, in traffic, no less…no, not the Cadillac, Norm took that to work. The Buick…driving the Buick, I hear this song on the radio…from my youth, Gordy…like when I was seventeen or something…Blue velvet, bluer than velvet was the night…it reminds me of Shep…and I get this feeling in my cunt…this really hot feeling… and just a little rubbing with one hand…just a little tickle, tickle on the outside of my clothes…just one-two-three and that’s enough…I’m coming and I don’t even want to come yet because it feels so good…I want it to last. And guess what, Gordy? I never itch after I come that way. I itch only after Norm. So, you see, it must have something to do with him. Maybe I am allergic to his semen…maybe I’m allergic to his cock…maybe I’m allergic to him! Wouldn’t that be something?

Oh, you’d rather hear about my sex life with Norman? Yes. Of course. I understand, gordy. Bearing on the case. Certainly. Well. Every Saturday night, rain or shine, unless I have my period. Variety? You mean like in the books? Well, no…Norm isn’t one for variety. Changes make him uncomfortable. And I’m not one for making suggestions, Gordy. You tink I should? I don’t know…I’d have to think about that…maybe…
Oral sex? Oh, Gordy…now you’re getting so personal. Must we? I mean, really. Well, of course I see that it’s part of my sex life. Yes, certainly we’ve tried…but the one time Norm put his face between my legs…well, poor Norm…he gagged and coughed and spent half an hour in the bathroom gargling with Listerine afterward and I felt terribly guilty. He was like a cat with a hairball. All that suffering just to please me. And then there’s the problem of smeill…odor, you know… Norman hates the smell of fuck. He always complains the morning after, opens all the windows in the bedroom and sprays Lysol. That’s why I douche with vinegar…cunt vinaigrette…to make it more appetizing…you know, like browned chicken.”

Time magazine's "Man of the Year" in 1938 was Adolf Hitler.

...And this has nothing to do with that.


Was craving something sweet last night. I talked the Bear into going to Dairy Queen with me for ice cream. We place our order of one brownie earthquake and one Reece’s blizzard and drive up to the window where the man leans out and says, “hey, it’s been a while, how’s it goin’?” Turns out he knows my husband. They play catch up for a few minutes, then we get our ice cream and leave. As we pull out I say…

“He worked with you a while back, right?”

Then he says…

“No, he worked for me…I fired him. Enjoy your brownie.”


We can now add this place to what I like to call: the-growing-list-of-places-I-can’t-go-to-with-my-husband-because-he-pissed-somebody-off!

more on death…please excuse my morbid mood as of late.

Famous Last Words – Stolen from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader



“Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” –Pancho Villa

“Make my skin into drumheads for the Bohemian cause. –John Ziska, Check rebel

“I’ve never forgiven that smart-alecky reporter who named me ‘Butterfingers.’”-Thomas Moran, pickpocket

“I’m tired of fighting. I guess this is going to get me.”-Harry Houdini

“Remember me to my friends, tell them I’m a hell of a mess.” –H.L. Mencken, essayist

“Monsieur, I beg your pardon.” –Marie Antoinette, to her executioner, after stepping on his foot accidentally

“Dying is a very dull affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.” –Author Somerset Maugham

“I am about to, or, I am going to die. Either expression is used.” –Dominique Bouhours, grammarian

“No. I came here to die. Not make a speech.” –Cherokee Bill, outlaw, when asked “if he had anything to say”

“So little done, so much to do.” –Alexander Graham Bell

“I hope that the edge of your guillotine is sharper than your scissors.” –Jean-Francois Ducos, to the executioner, who was cutting off his hair

“Ah…you might make that a double.” –Neville Heath, murderer, asking for a last whiskey

“Are you sure it’s safe?” –William Palmor, murderer, stepping onto the gallows

“Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.” –Karl Marx, communist

“I shall hear in heaven!” –Ludwig van Beethoven

“Get my swan costume ready.” –Anna Pavlova, Russian ballerina

let's talk about death

Main Entry: bite the dust
Part of Speech: verb
Definition: pass away

Synonyms: bite the dust, buy the farm, cash in one's chips, cease living, croak, die, expire, kick off, kick the bucket, meet one's maker, pass on, push up daisies, succumb

Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1)Copyright © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Stolen from Dictionary.com.

Who knew there were so many ways to describe one’s death? Can you think of more?

Highlights from my road trip and Thanksgiving

~Drove to Missouri in 16 hours.

~Hit rush hour traffic in Austin and Dallas.

~Passed the Museaum of Horrors in Ross, Texas.

~Stopped in West, Texas for kalache’s.

~Drove up scenic Hwy 7 in Arkansas
-This is the most insanely treacherous road ever paved. It passes through like a gazillion national forests and the scenery is beautiful…or so I hear. You can’t actually enjoy the scenery because you’re too worried about FALLING OFF THE FUCKING ROAD. The rumble strip is in the CENTER of the road and there is no shoulder; just a white line painted onto a crumbling cliff. I actually saw somewhere that this road is “not a highway, it’s a destination.” Fuck you, it’s a deathtrap.

~Passed a strip club in Hot Springs, Arkansas that advertised nude karaoke.

~Saw my mom sing with Ray Stevens at his theatre in Branson Mo.

~Dressed up as a Motown singer with my dad to help my mom visualize a project. Hair and all people, hair and all. You will never see the pictures of this, so don’t ask.

~Visited a fish hatchery. Actually pretty cool in a weird kind of way.

~Relaxed in my parents hot tub for two days.

~Drove home through Oklahoma instead of Arkansas. I absolutely cannot stand this state; I hate everything about it from the roads to the bland scenery to the way the word sounds. I honest to god hate okla-fucking-homa.

~Stopped in a small town in Texas to eat dinner on the way home. While sitting in the restaurant we realized that crazy people surrounded us.
Jenn – “Ever feel like your in a Stephen King novel?”
Bear – “Yeah, lets get out of here!”
Then as we are leaving said town a radio announcement states that traffic is backed up due to a car accident on Deathsaw and Slaughter Roads. WTF! I did not just hear that. “Bear, get us the fuck out of here, NOW!”

~Brother-in-law and his family came to visit for Thanksgiving the day after we arrived home.

~Stayed up late helping/watching the Bear and Brother-in-law make pies and other sweet treats for Thanksgiving dinner the next day.

~Went to the in-laws house for Thanksgiving and ate entirely too much.

~Realized how much I actually enjoy being around the Bears family now. The make my family seem normal

~Decided my Brother-in-law wasn’t quite the asshole I had made him out to be.

~Watched pay-per-view UFC with the Bear, Brother-in-Law and Father-in-Law.

~After three days of turkey salad sandwiches decided I hate said sandwiches. Sticking to ham and cheese from now on.

~Took a ton of pictures of all this…mysteriously lost at least half of them.

~Decorated for Christmas…thank god no one witnessed that occasion.