Oh hell yeah...

jiffinner -- [noun]: An immortal 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Awkward Conversations II

I have a story to tell. But first I have a confession to make.

Confession: I regularly talk on the phone while taking a bath. Like, all the time. So much so that my family is very used to this. Now, on with the story…

Last night while I was taking a bath I realized that I hadn’t talked with Billabong in like three days. That is an abnormally long time for us to go without talking, so I grabbed my cell phone and called him to see what was up.

~Ring~ Ring~

Billabong: (answering) “Hey, were have you been? I’ve been trying to call you for like two days.”

Jiffinner: “I know, sorry. I somehow keep missing all your calls.”

Billabong: “No big. So what are you doing?”

Jiffinner: “Taking a bath. You?”

Billabong: “I’m on my way home, we had UIL Poetry at (another school) today. And I’m upset with Mrs.R.”

(side note: Mrs. R is his One Act teacher and one of his favorite’s.)

Jiffinner: “Why?”

Billabong: “Well, she’s been saying things to me that she shouldn’t be saying. Like she has serious feelings for me and things like that.”

Jiffinner: “What!?!”

At this point I hear background laughter and realize that Mrs. R is with him and he is joking around.

Jiffinner: “So you’re driving home with Mrs. R?”

Billabong: “Yeah, and a couple of other people who were in UIL Poetry. Want to talk to her? Here.”

Before I can say no, Billabong hands the phone to his teacher whom I have never met.

Mrs. R: “Hello, Billabong’s Sister.”

Jiffinner: “Hello, how are you?”

Mrs. R: “Great, how are you?”

Jiffinner: Looking down at my bath water “Great.”

Mrs. R: “So, Billabong told me you watched Brokeback Mountain. Was it good?”

Jiffinner: “I thought so, yes.”

Mrs. R: “Good, because I want to see it but none of the teachers I work with will go with me to see it so I’m thinking about dragging your brother along to see it with me. But I’m sure that will get the rumor mill started.”

Jiffinner: laughing “Well, it was a good movie, worth the rumors I think.”

Mrs. R: “Good, thanks. Well, I’m going to hand the phone back to Billabong now. Nice to talk to you.”

Jiffinner: “Thanks, nice talking to you also.”

Billabong: “Hey, I’m back.”

Jiffinner: “Dude, I just had a conversation with your teacher while sitting in the bathtub. About Brokeback Mountain of all things.”

My brother in true Billabong fashion, laughs and tells his teacher that I am taking a bath and relays what I had just said.

Jiffinner: “I am thoroughly freaked out now, I have to let you go.”

Billabong: Still laughing, “Ok, I love you and I’ll call you later.”


Yeah, bye…fucker.

Awkward Conversation

Quite a while back (like sometime before Thanksgiving) my sister told me that her boyfriend had gone down on her (many times) and she wanted to repay the favor. She asked me to teach her how to give a blowjob.

Although my sister and I have a very close relationship, I honestly was not sure I could actually do what she was asking so I told her I would think about it and call her back later. I went to work the next morning and explained the situation to Kate.

Her exact response: “Well, she’s going to do it whether you teach her or not. So, either you can teach her how to give good head or you don’t teach her and she will give bad head. Do you really want your sister giving bad head?”

Because that statement made an absurd kind of sense, I called my sister later that evening and proceeded to have the most awkward conversation of my life. I’m not normally embarrassed to talk about sexual things but I absolutely refuse to give exact details of the things I told her. The only reason I am bringing it up now is to tell this…

I called my mom this weekend and the first thing she says is “so, what’s this I hear about you teaching your little sister sexual tricks?”

Me: “She told you?!? I can’t believe she actually told you. Jesus, she really can’t keep her mouth shut about anything. This is the flame-thrower incident all over again.”

(Ed. Note: When I was in Jr. High I taught my little sister and brother how to make a flame thrower out of a lighter and a can of hair spray. Which, by the way, is what I use to kill spiders. Years later when I was living in Missouri and couldn’t get close enough to beat them for blabbing, they told my mom about it as well as the fact that I explained to them how babies were made.)

At this point in the conversation, my sister steals the phone from my mom.

LaciLu: “I’m sorry, it just came up, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Jiffinner: “You know, the only reason I taught you how to give head is because I thought since you mouth would be full, you wouldn’t be able to blab to mom.”

(ed. Note – Yes, I really am this crude. I try to make statements like this at least twice a day…it keeps everyone on their toes. ;P)

Mom: (in the background) “since we seem to be having confession time, is your brother still a virgin?”

…Awkward silence…

LaciLu: “Yyyees, he is.”

Me: (wispering) “I should just hang up now before this gets any worse.”

Mom: “yeah, right.”

LaciLu: “Jiffinner, tell mom that Billabong is to still a virgin.”

Me: (cringing) “Yes, mom; billabong is still a virgin.”

Mom: (calming down) “okay, okay. But, it’s very odd that I have a 15 year old non-virgin and a 17 year old virgin.”

Me & LaciLu: “uh…yeah.”

I’m sure we were thinking along the same lines: I don’t want to be the one to explain to mom that Billabong is a man-ho…but being bi, he just hasn’t slept with a girl. With all the horny gay guys out there to get busy with, why wait for a girl to decide she’s half in love with him before she will sleep with him?

While I don’t what to be the one to tell my mom all this, I definitely want to be there when it happens…with camera in hand.

And I have no clue where I was going with this…

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I tried to tell you, but no one ever listens to me…

…Kate really is crazy.

“I wish the part of my head that hurts would light up bright red so you guys could see it and say, ‘wow, that’s a fucked up headache you have!’”



You know when you see something weird or fucked up and you think, who comes up with this shit?


Yeah, blame Kate.

Back in the Day

Last night I was watching F/List. For those of you who don’t know, F/List is a 30min. show on Fuse music channel. It counts down videos pertaining to a certain theme (i.e. – pierced, tatt attack, hospitalized). These videos have been voted on by fans on their website. Capeesh…?

Good…moving on…

Last night I was watching an episode of F/List that was recorded on my DVR. The theme was ‘Back in the Day’. It was all about 90’s rock. The top five picks were:

5 – Wonderwall by Oasis
4 – Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins
3 – Enter Sandman by Metallica
2 – Freak on a Leash by Korn

And the number one pick…


I know you know this…


Take a wild guess…


1 – Come as You Are by Nirvana


Are you surprised Nirvana was number one? Me neither.

But the point is this, not only did I know all these songs but I was able to sing along with all of them and I could name numerous other songs by each band on this list that I know by heart. Once again, this list was titled ‘Back in the Day’. Watching this made me realize that I am getting old enough that the music I listened to in high school is outdated. My 17-year-old brother might have heard of Oasis or The Smashing Pumpkins but he sure as hell couldn’t name any of their songs. He would definitely recognize Korn, but only because I made his listen to them every morning while getting ready for school my senior year. (Ed. Note: My mom is still pissed about that. She thinks it’s my fault all her children are strange when in reality she is completely off her fucking rocker and that shit has got to be hereditary. Ergo, not my fault biatch.) (Ed. Note 2: That kinda rhymes.) (Ed. Note 3: Last week I was talking with my brother and I mentioned how much I hate rhyming accidents. His response? “Shit, I guess I can’t be a rapper…or a toe-tapper…or an ass-slapper.”) Ok, now back to the subject at hand. I am sure my brother recognizes both Metallica and Nirvana but if one of their songs came on the radio, I highly doubt that he would know the name of the song, much less be able to recognize the band. And that…that makes me feel sad and old. And I’m only 23.

Everyday things that put a smile on my face.

No story to go along with this list, I think it's pretty self-explanatory.


Bald Heads



Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (Speaking of bald heads...)



Geico Commercials - Man, I love that fucking lizard!



Hot Guys wearing eyeliner



F-List on Fuse

Nora Fucking Roberts - The woman is a Goddess.

Infusium 23 - A good hair day always puts me in a better mood.

Diet Coke



Wikipedia

DVR

Panic! At the Disco Lyrics –

I've got more wit
a better kiss
a hotter touch
a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet
sweetie, you had me

Undo button on poppit game



Your turn.
What makes you happy?
What puts a smile on your face?