question-

I use rechargeable batteries in my digital camera...
I use rechargeable batteries in my flashlights...

Why the fuck don’t I use rechargeable batteries in my vibrator? You know, the one place where I really need them?


Sorry, just had to ask. I’m gonna go fix that little problem and you can continue on with your day now.

she's gonna kill me for this

Kate is insane and I now have proof.
Things Kate said to me in conversation over the past couple of weeks…


“I don’t even need a ring, just buy me a frozen coffee.”

“If she were a man and not married, I would have married her that day.”

“It’s amazing what falls out of your ass when you stand up.”

“Fuck you! Fuck you for fucking with me, I am so sick of you fucking with me!”

“Well, check me out.”

“I just got the worst little giggle fit over that.”

“She should be, like, our little office orphan.”

‘I feel disgusting.”

“Oh, look, there’s four guys and one of them is really cute, and I’m wearing spandex shorts.”

“And I don’t have a ball so I used a cantaloupe.”

“And the lady on there? The devil lady? She tried to kill me.”

“I swear to god if they say it’s a bad idea, I’m going to go, like, 19 different kinds of ape-shit.”

“If there’s naked pictures of me on there, I didn’t take them.”

“Those were your boobs, I thought they were legs.”

“I was going to make myself pretty because Amanda’s teacher wasn’t wearing a wedding ring.”

“Anyway, I’m rambling, but I’ve had four cups of coffee. Biiiiig cups.

“Wow, your mom’s wound tight.”

“I didn’t even know it wasn’t fuzzy until I got home and looked at the picture.”

“Mushy noodles again? Yay!”

“I imagine anything over 8in. would hurt.”


And my personal favorite….

“If I’m watching porn, then I know he’s watching me watch porn and that’s just too much watching going on during sex.”

sharks!

Last night my husband told me that two sharks were caught in Medina Lake. OMFG! I live literally half a mile from this lake, this lake that is hundreds of miles from the coast, the coast where the ocean is, the ocean where the sharks are supposed to be.

The bear always makes fun of me because I have this [no longer] irrational fear of swimming in lakes and rivers where I can’t see the bottom. Yeah, fuck a bunch of that shit (You knew that was coming Kate.)

Officials think it is more than likely a hoax, someone placing the sharks on jug lines as a joke. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m still not going swimming in any body of water larger or dirtier that an Olympic size swimming pool. Bring on the chlorine.

listen up, this is important people

Ok people, help me out here. I have a very important question. Keep in mind that this has been driving me crazy for hours now and I can’t google it at work because everything is blocked by a fucking sonicwall.

Do you know what a limerick is? It’s a poem that is usually crude and funny and the first, second and last line rhyme with each other and the third and fourth lines rhyme.

Well, now that we have that covered, this is what I need your help with…

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who’s dick was so long he could suck it…


I have had the first two lines of this limerick stuck in my head but cannot remember the last three lines and it is quite literally driving me insane. Any information you may have is greatly appreciated for if I do not remember soon it could be detrimental to my mental health.

Does anyone know any other funny limericks?

if my dentist could read my mind, she would hate me as much as I hate her

I had to go to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned yesterday. I am not normally one of those whiny people who complain about going to the dentist. I do not have a problem with the drill or the extra-large needles, but I abso-fucking-lutely despise the little torture device/metal pick used to clean around your gums. About ten minutes into the cleaning my gums are sore and bleeding and she asks me if I need her to stop for a few minutes. Apparently she did not catch the look on my face that clearly said, ‘Yes, forever…I never want to see you again.’ Aloud I mumble ‘no, I’m fine.’ around the mirror and her fingers. As she pulled the pick out of my mouth with what I am pretty sure was a chunk of skin attached to it out of my mouth I think about The Little Shop of Horrors and the scary dentist. I am convinced that all dentists are sadistic creeps like that on the inside. I don’t care how pretty this woman is or how nice she acts; she is getting off on this. Why else would she become a dentist? Why else would she want to pick and prod at other peoples teeth and gums all day long every day? She lives for this shit.
“Come back in three months and we can do this again” she says and grins while cleaning her torture tools.
I scoff, “Yeah, looking forward to it.”

stolen from Kate

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

things people say

The other day I was talking with Kate (Actually Kate was doing most of the talking) and I noticed that she said ‘I’m all about taking over the Internet stuff’. That’s when I realized that Kate always says ‘I’m all about…’ and then finishes the sentence. It got me to thinking about how people always have a catch phrase or two. For most people I know I can think of at least one thing they say a lot.
I wonder how we get into the habit of saying something all the time, how do we take a phrase and make it our own? Sometimes you say this phrase for only a short time until the new wears off, but others might stick with you for years. I can remember when I was in junior high I would always say ‘come on, peoples’ when I was frustrated or angry. My mom hated that, and lucky for her I grew out of it quickly. But there are some things I have been saying for years and I don’t think I will ever stop. Whenever I see or hear something I don’t like I always say ‘fuck a bunch of that shit’ or if somebody tells me they are going to do something I consider boring or painful or both (i.e. dentist) I say ‘well, you have fun with that’ in a very sarcastic voice. The following is a list I have compiled of things people say…


Kate says – ‘I’m all about…’ and ‘that cracks my shit up’

The Bear says –‘I wanna go to Canada’ whenever someone says something random and ‘yeah, well yeah’ when ever anyone tells him he did a good job or asks him a question.

NewGirl at work says – ‘that’s some shit’ when she sees something she does not like

BossMan says – “you won’t need a sack lunch and a flashlight’ referring to customers coming out to Fantasy Disco Ford, he wants them to know it wont take forever. He also has a habit of putting ‘playa’ at the end of his sentence and quoting Tarantino films.

Billabong says – ‘Well, fuck me and call me sally’ whenever something exciting happens and ‘I’m so freaking fabulous’ whenever he looks in the mirror.

Me-Me (my grandma) says – ‘It’s in yonder’ when she is telling you where to find something. (my mom and I are still trying to figure out where exactly yonder is.)

Big D says – ‘You know?’ when he finishes a sentence.

Thats all I can think of right now. What about you, is there something you say a lot or do you have a friend that says something so much it drives you crazy?

tagged

Tagged by Kate.



What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

First I took $10 (without permision of course) from my mom’s purse to buy a T-shirt. A few years later I got mad at my mother and threw a pair of shoes at her. A few years after that I let my little brother and sister and the next door neighbor play on the roof of the house while my mom was at work…she came home early. I am pretty sure my mom beat a lot of the stupid out of me when I was still a kid. (not all mind you, but a lot.)


At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Without a doubt, my husband.

If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Edgar Allen Poe
Harry Houdini
Daria (can it be fictional characters? Fuck it, its my blog.)
The person who thought up the word ‘fuck’
Dr. Ruth

If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

Not supernatural, huh? Well I guess that rules out world peace.
Ok well, first I would wish for a long happy life with my husband, second to have happy, healthy children and third…SBC to offer high speed internet in my area, that would fucking rock.

Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

Two things I wish my town had-A movie theater and a Denny’s
Two things to avoid-The bars and the churches (equal amounts of both in my town.)

Name one event that has changed your life.

Saying ‘I do’


I don’t normally tag people but this time I am going to tag my brother Billabong so he can get started on his blog.

unicorn

Funny story – About two months ago I was on my way to work when I saw a unicorn on the side of the road. Yep, I thought the same thing…there’s no such thing as unicorns, right? Well, because it was 6am and pre caffeine I was really fucking confused. I kept staring at this thing trying to figure out what I was seeing. Luckily for me, it was NOT a figment of my overactive imagination; it was a horse. He was standing right behind a T-post that was sticking out of the ground at an odd angle making the top of the post look like a horn. Make sense? What makes this worse is that I live in the Texas Hill Country, which means that my drive to and from work is filled with hills and sharp, blind curves. It just so happens that you see this unicorn as you are going around one such curve. I almost ran off the road and right into the road sign warning me about the pending curve because I was staring at a fucking unicorn!

It has become my ritual to look for this horse every morning, so imagine my delight when I passed him this morning and noticed the warning sign was laying on the ground. Someone had ran into it. My only thought? ‘I bet that poor fucker saw the unicorn too!’

Moral – No matter how stupid you think you are sometimes, there will always be somebody out there who is thinking and feeling the same stupid things. You are never alone.

Does it scare anyone else that I was able to come up with a moral for that shit?

happy happy birthday

Yes, Yes, I know…we have already celebrated my birthday. But now it is time to really celebrate. My little sister LaciLu turned 15 yesterday and my little brother Billabong is celebrating his 17th birthday today. Yeah, I know, three kids with birthdays all in the same week. It has something to do with cold November nights, I'm sure.

They are only two years apart and yet, so very different people. LaciLu is one of the coolest, kindest chicks ever. Billabong is in a word…outrageous. Where Billabong will do the cabbage patch in the middle of a crowded mall and get pissed if no one looks at him like he’s crazy, LaciLu is slightly more reserved; she tends to keep the crazy antics to close friends and family only. Where LaciLu likes to wear mainstream clothing and is part of the popular crowd, Billabong likes to make a SERIOUS statement with his clothes and is popular because of his zannyness, because even though he was picked on for being different when he was younger, he stuck with what he believed in and it paid off for him in spades.

Billabong knows he is hot and loves to strut and show off and LaciLu does not even realize just how beautiful she is. Like I said, they have absolutely nothing in common except they are the greatest people I know and I could not ask for a better brother and sister, I just hope that they are as proud of me as I am of them. It terrifies me just how fast they are growing up and how quickly they will become adults. Anyway, I am rambling now and think I am going to cry so...


Happy birthday guys, I hope you have a great day!

the list

Recently the bear and I updated our ‘list’. Oh, come on, you know what I’m talking about…the list. The list of people that you are granted a free night with if ever given the chance to fuck. As with everything, there are, of course, a few rules. Everyone on the list has to be a celebrity. In other words, the girl next door or the cute guys at blockbuster are not allowed on the list (not even if they closely resemble a celebrity). Because the celebrity world changes so fast we get to change our lists pretty often. Lists normally get changed at around 2:00 in the morning, postcoital, when neither of us can sleep and have to do something to keep us from going crazy. ;-)

The Bears most recent list includes: Jennifer Garner, Elisha Cuthbert, Lindsay Lohan (when she’s big, like in Mean Girls), Renee Zellweger (once again, when she’s big like in Bridget Jones’s Diary) and Jessica Simpson.

My list is, of course, a little different: Jonathan Davis, Johnny Depp, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds and Johnny Knoxville.

You know, besides loving each other like crazy, that man and I have absolutely nothing in common! I'm not just talking about the guy/girl thing, we are, obviously attracted to completely different types of people.
So, anyway, tell me…who’s on your list? It doesn’t matter if you are involved with someone or not, this is all hypothetical. So spill it…

23

Today is my 23rd birthday.
Funny, 23 feels a lot like 22.

Good day so far though. Kate made me cupcakes (chocolate with dark chocolate chips and strawberry with real strawberries) I have not had a cupcake in years. The Bear, and our best friend (Big D) got me a digital camera that kicks ass. Now if I could just get out of work...